I am going to become famous after this

Merry Christmas

                                    Merry Christmas All, Go to sleep Santa is on his way 

                                        Maila, Candace and I - my best friend of nine years, and my
                                        Blessing of a baby that I love so much.

Are you Happy Now

I know we all write stories about our whole year, what we learned and what we did wrong, - what we did right, and what we have changed, God .. Thank you. I spent all of my year but three months of it doing bad things. Instead of repeating what is already known, perhaps I will talk about that on the First of January, but recap my year of getting over the love of my life. Who knows, his loss in my life could corelate to where I ended up, but  I once asked in bulk when my heart would stop hurting from a break up, and a person said one year. I believe it now, I have since learned I have spent this whole year replacing every memory Bryan had once held with me, either good or bad memories he is being erased as holidays, normal days or seasons comes and go. In two weeks, you will be a year gone, so here is your story as I let you slide, slide away.

* I met you when I was twelve years old, and you were my first actual crush. My brothers best friend, and my soul mate. My heart dropped when you entered the room, of course we had a ilegal age difference at the time you being almost sixteen and seeing me as a child, but I wrote about you in my diary every day for a long time in 2001 .. I always thought you were my crush. I moved to North Carolina for High school and came out okay looking, moved back at 18, and you had sadly moved four hours away for college.
* We talked routinely on the internet after finding you on Facebook at 18, there was no attraction to you at the time, I had a boyfriend in California, and you helped me deal with my long distance woes. You came to visit me at work one day shortly after my break up of a non serious boyfriend, and you seemed so geeky and uninteresting, I blew you off the first time we ever saw each other again as adults. You came home again three weeks later and something I dream upon happened, dream will come to me again a day again with some one else when I am a bit older with the right person. We spent three hours talking in my car in a parking lot about everything in the world. You came over, we did nothing. We laid next to each other and talked. . . We only talked. We went to the movies the next night before you had to go back to school, we held hands, I was 19 barely and I Think we both felt the strong pull we had on each other.

- You flew to see me every weekend, and flew me to see you until summer. After your trip to Europe you came home, we lived 2 miles apart and I had never loved anyone as much as I loved you. We camped, we fought, we cried, we ran we swam - your family fed me, we had family dinners and parties. Your sister took me under her wing and I laid on your couch every night last summer into fall and winter, we saw countless concerts, you held me back as I wanted to slap you for hurting me in random situations. You carried me when I got hurt, you became a part of my family as I did yours. We spent every minute together if not on the phone or texting. You were an asshole sometimes, you noticed before I did if I gained five pounds and would some how find it and grab it and make me hate myself, but as much of a guy trait that was you would tell me how beautiful I was, and I would go workout and you would tell me to eat more. The trips to Pullman were amazing, your friends always loved me, the frat parties made us both laugh at how stupid they were. You were trouble, and I was your assistant. The random strings of weddings we went too, so many. I don't have any of those photos because I need you to not exist. Thanksgiving with both of our families, and our last memory was the third week in December. We spent Christmas together, I crashed my car in your neighbors front yard due to the snow you laughed, I hated you. I spent my whole paycheck on a painting for your present, not because I believe in amazing gifts but because I had never seen anything so beautiful for you. You didn't get me a gift, it was okay.


... Your best friend Crystal was coming to Seattle to visit for New Years Eve from Maryland, which never made sense to me, ever. It was your best friends ex girlfriend, and your ex girlfriends friend. You had flown to Maryland to visit her over the summer, and she had flown to see you in Pullman, I believed you so much Bryan. Your best friend warned me, I cried enough nights, but when we were together the earth stopped spinning and you were my everything. I didn't believe you would ever hurt me, and thought this girl was always just your best friend even if I wanted to doubt you so much.

- The last day I ever saw you, and the last time I will have ever seen you again was the Sunday after Christmas, I told you I was worried of her coming into town and told you, that after certain events of her being around and trying to sabotage us that he didn't have room to ruin it with her coming on new years eve, I can still see your face - you had a broken nose from a bar fight. That was some random thing I loved about you, your ridiculous ways of making the world spin. We laid on my bed like the first times we had realized we had a future, and I told you please don't mess this up, and I will see you soon. You left on the cold frigid Sunday night. I had work the next day as did you, not to mention I had spent so long waiting for you to graduate and be home with me, and you finally had.

- I stood at my job where I managed too many people for a barely 20 year old as I received several texts confirming the fact you had been cheating on me, she was with you. I woke up on the floor of Forever 21 in a tiny gay mans arms and was rushed to the hospital. I had passed out two or three times on the paramedics. When they say heartbreak they aren't kidding, on that hospital bed with iv's and hear monitors and my mom next to my side holding my hand all I could do was cry silently, I looked at her and asked if I would ever feel alive again. We drove home that night the 29th of December, and I rolled down my window as my mom drove and I began to throw stuff out my car my mother freaked out, I said in a silent voice, mom there are no cops these are mix cd's he always made for me, I can't listen to what we were together this is the process.

- After talking to his Ex Best friend, I found out he had been with her the whole time we were together, her and several other people. I didn't cry until three months later. I quit my job that I had worked my ass off at and had gone far at, and I fucked myself up in more than one way. It took me months to realize how deep he had dug into my heart and ripped the piece he  had put inside me and taken it back.

- Our last actual phone conversation was him asking if it was really over and he kept saying sorry, I kept my voice calm, and said yes I could not be with him, even though I wanted to forgive him but knew he was not capable of being truthful. He moved to Maryland with Crystal the next weekend, for the past year they have lived together happily. We have not talked since. I hear things every few months about new dogs or houses they get, and honestly all I do is want to scream. I wish I could hate him, but if he truly loved her, and had a place in his heart for me, then I can't hate a person for going to what he wanted the most in his life.

... I just wonder, where everything went. I gave him my diary pages, and several gifts and tokens of my affection. Did he burn them or leave them in a closet ?  I should hate him, but I hope he is happy with what he is living with now. His voice haunts me, but I got rid of him two days before the new years, and as this year has gone by I have replaced his memories with new ones, and the last ones were Christmas.

It doesn't hurt now, I just want to say to the person who said it takes a year to get over it, you are more than right, when you truly love a person there isn't a year mark for when the pain goes away, but you are about right.

...

Perhaps I will fall in love again.

I won't back down. Because I know whats right.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell - and I won't back down.
I keep this world from dragging me down, I stand my ground.

Me old School

Me and my brother in Texas I was 3 he was Six.

Me and my Bandit Doggy, I had him most of my life, Miss you baby, Rest in Peace.

My pet squirrel who eats at my house

Happy Halloween ! And an update on me

Life is looking up for me! Well, so I think because I am staying true to the good side of life and well being. It has been almost three weeks from returning home and I am very thankful for all I have been given. Other than strep throat, and now a cold, I have been doing so good. Its such a blessing to see all of my friends for the first time in months, the ones I shut out in my dark stage they are all so forgiving and make me Thank God everyday for them to be so bright in my life and supportive. I have become 100% detoxed of the dirty life I was living and also thank God for that, I could have tried to and shouldn't have ended up dead the roads I was taking. It has been three weeks, in one I can say a month - and I am healing and becoming the girl I knew a year ago. Who knows why we change and become spiteful creatures with pain and suffering we spawn into livings, and mistakes but we do. God gives us chances to make up for what wrongs we have made and fix ourselves with the help of others. To my family and friends, you are my halo's and I love you all!. I started my job today, my first day at my new job that pays not so much =), I am working in an art studio helping families, and children paint, and within time will be holding my own art classes to teach painting and hopefully landed the gig of thanksgiving and will be the instructor with the children who come in to make mementos for there relatives, not anyone who would read this would really know I have been involved in art since the age of four =). This job is also a great stepping stone for me, any art class I so choose to learn the technique of they pay for and will sponsor me to teach. I am so very thankful for all of the chances I am being given, and the evils I have let go of. Here are some photo's of me and my best friend who I love to pieces Marvin at the pumpkin patch! have a safe Halloween all

- Pamela.

360

360 turn 

Run in a circle it will bite us when we return if we don't take the right roads, and we can't help but rotate to where we began, and can't help but see the demons we allowed into our lives.


Walk the roads, but we - I, shall make more sensible decisions - the road could be a horrible thing and end to early, so thank you my full circle for waking me up.

Love others, and love shall come in.

Where I have been

I am home. Drove almost 4000 miles due to bad weather in 3 and a half days. I can't say I feel any comfort laying here, other than I escaped a tragic ending of either the man  I was living with who abused me from day one and I could never tell anyone about, or the fact I tried to take my own life last week and ended myself in a prison like facility.

I have quit my " adult " jobs, and am on a diet for life. My mother has gone over and beyond what a mother should do, but has set goals to help grab me from this vegetative state I have been in, and is giving me motive to want to live happy and long. I am no longer allowed on thedirty.com, after telling her how in depth it had eaten at my world and the words that had hurt me she realized it was unhealthy, no more spurs either, too many triggers to a mental break down that stand close.

I told her the names I have been called, and this is after I confessed what I had been doing for a living, she said anyone who could speak to me that way stranger or no stranger, is not a person at all.

I am going into heavy psychiatric help next week that will continue, and am finding a job that consists of clothes, and once I have worked for a month or two, getting back to college.

I am very thankful I am alive, and as morbid as this sounds, it might have been a cry for help but once the first ten pills set in and my body began to go numb is when I thought it was meant to be and took the rest. Call it a cry, call it real, I call it a wake up call.

I will only write about meaningful things on here on out, and hate to inform you but my twitter is permenantly deleted as my myspace. This is my life, and I am going to do it right.


... Here is to change...

I know your reading this

You know who you are


I can't talk anymore of anyone other than the personality I have perfected that isn't me if  Iwant to get out of this alive


I care.



Goodbye

Growing up

I am so stable compared to well the past six years, if you haven't heard by now being a teenager and growing up is a bitch. I am finally past the awkward stage of knowing right from wrong, (not all of the time) and have made several changes in my life, to survive. I will be 21 in a month, which scares the hell out of most people I know, but I don't see it any differently than I see 20 or 19, a bar here or a bar there, I have already gotten the chances to be snuck into nice clubs and bars underage, and never found the complete appeal. This being said, my point really is, no matter the age of a person, we always predispose what age we should be doing certain things by, and honestly this all seems like complete bullshit. When your 18 you should be finding a four year university to attend and move out of your parents homes, 22 you should be graduating and finding some one to be in a steady relationship with, at 25 you should really think about marriage and hope you and your husbands incomes will be enough to help the baby on its way.

Modern day society usually puts this strain on us to believe we should follow the yellow brick road and not to step on the cracks. I on the other hand am a complete opposite story with too many stories too add. My life is none the less hectic and confusing, as is my family. I get upset when some one thinks its okay to judge me for where I stand in my career, in my lack of going to college though ive gone before but honestly couldn't handle it at the time, but it is just sad when people are so brain washed they think they are bad people for not following the line of life.

I fly back to Florida tomorrow to my car, my belonging's .. my new home. Being in Seattle for almost two weeks and with my mom was such an amazing thing, I never thought it would bring tears to my eyes to think how much I have grown up, I always dispised my family on a subconcious level that led me to be hurtful with my words and actions, but now that I am living so far away it is like a privlage to see my mom, my brother and my good friends. I might have moved out to my own apartment at 20 which is way beyond the age of " when I should have " then to Florida, but no one will ever see the four walls I had to stare at as I watched the things I loved vanish into thin air and I stayed to make sure everyone else kept in place and no one left me, I was always so afraid of them being so hurt by my fathers actions it seemed like I could never leave home.

This is my home I am sitting in, even if my mom got a new place with her new husband while I was gone.. this is it. I have been waiting so long to feel " at home ". My dad always had so much money for us, and so many nice things to throw our way, but it never felt complete. I may never love my dad in the way I should or a love that is pure and willingly, but he could never give me the comfort that my mother or brother give me by just there presence. On that note, what gave me the inspiration to write on my online diary that some one might read at one point, it was my mothers words today that hit me hard.

" Pam we all got on the same boat when your dad left us that sunk, you are the youngest but you swam up the fastest and crawled your way out before any of us did, you set it all off for us to be okay with being away from each other, we were too afraid before to let that go. But you got your own place, and even when the place you got turned out to be shitty you left it and found a different home on your own and I always look at you and wonder where all your strenght comes from. You make me really proud, the moment you left home I finally felt okay to move with Sam (husband), and your brother finally left on his own too, like we all needed to, but we all sunk you just had enough courage to get yourself up first and I admire you for that. "


That is why home is in my mothers arms, because she will say something that will bring an unselfish tear to my eye.

Confused but Okay

My life is nothing less then dramatic. I am in transit - all of the time. I am away from florida now - although my car and some belongings are there waiting for me to rescue as soon as I get enough time. I am on my way to Seattle soon - in a day to see my mom for a week and a half, then its all really up to me where I go from there. I am laying in San Diego down town condo staring into the buildings that are simply beautiful, but I am finding it hard to find any beauty when I have never felt so alone in this world than I do now. Being on the go is a good thing, sometimes. - But I feel as if I ran, in extreme motions with new jobs and such. I ran after a boy punched me and I lost all real safety in my city and safety in myself as too what emotional damage he did to me.

I do not want to live in Florida - it is a very unhealthy place for me to be, not only do I despise the south, but I can do my job from anywhere else and not be under some ones rules that involve me getting yelled at for a 9 pm curfew at almost 21.

Seattle is not my home now, my family has scattered and it will always rain.

My job - jobs, pay well, and I can do them from any state, so here i go and be an adult and find where I should be to be happy ... perhaps alone, but what this be considered ?...

I fly to foreign states on my own, fight battles on my own.. I am a loner

But I do a damn good job

Love you bloggers if anyone reads this