Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas All, Go to sleep Santa is on his way
Maila, Candace and I - my best friend of nine years, and my
Blessing of a baby that I love so much.
Blessing of a baby that I love so much.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Are you Happy Now
I know we all write stories about our whole year, what we learned and what we did wrong, - what we did right, and what we have changed, God .. Thank you. I spent all of my year but three months of it doing bad things. Instead of repeating what is already known, perhaps I will talk about that on the First of January, but recap my year of getting over the love of my life. Who knows, his loss in my life could corelate to where I ended up, but I once asked in bulk when my heart would stop hurting from a break up, and a person said one year. I believe it now, I have since learned I have spent this whole year replacing every memory Bryan had once held with me, either good or bad memories he is being erased as holidays, normal days or seasons comes and go. In two weeks, you will be a year gone, so here is your story as I let you slide, slide away.
* I met you when I was twelve years old, and you were my first actual crush. My brothers best friend, and my soul mate. My heart dropped when you entered the room, of course we had a ilegal age difference at the time you being almost sixteen and seeing me as a child, but I wrote about you in my diary every day for a long time in 2001 .. I always thought you were my crush. I moved to North Carolina for High school and came out okay looking, moved back at 18, and you had sadly moved four hours away for college.
* We talked routinely on the internet after finding you on Facebook at 18, there was no attraction to you at the time, I had a boyfriend in California, and you helped me deal with my long distance woes. You came to visit me at work one day shortly after my break up of a non serious boyfriend, and you seemed so geeky and uninteresting, I blew you off the first time we ever saw each other again as adults. You came home again three weeks later and something I dream upon happened, dream will come to me again a day again with some one else when I am a bit older with the right person. We spent three hours talking in my car in a parking lot about everything in the world. You came over, we did nothing. We laid next to each other and talked. . . We only talked. We went to the movies the next night before you had to go back to school, we held hands, I was 19 barely and I Think we both felt the strong pull we had on each other.
- You flew to see me every weekend, and flew me to see you until summer. After your trip to Europe you came home, we lived 2 miles apart and I had never loved anyone as much as I loved you. We camped, we fought, we cried, we ran we swam - your family fed me, we had family dinners and parties. Your sister took me under her wing and I laid on your couch every night last summer into fall and winter, we saw countless concerts, you held me back as I wanted to slap you for hurting me in random situations. You carried me when I got hurt, you became a part of my family as I did yours. We spent every minute together if not on the phone or texting. You were an asshole sometimes, you noticed before I did if I gained five pounds and would some how find it and grab it and make me hate myself, but as much of a guy trait that was you would tell me how beautiful I was, and I would go workout and you would tell me to eat more. The trips to Pullman were amazing, your friends always loved me, the frat parties made us both laugh at how stupid they were. You were trouble, and I was your assistant. The random strings of weddings we went too, so many. I don't have any of those photos because I need you to not exist. Thanksgiving with both of our families, and our last memory was the third week in December. We spent Christmas together, I crashed my car in your neighbors front yard due to the snow you laughed, I hated you. I spent my whole paycheck on a painting for your present, not because I believe in amazing gifts but because I had never seen anything so beautiful for you. You didn't get me a gift, it was okay.
... Your best friend Crystal was coming to Seattle to visit for New Years Eve from Maryland, which never made sense to me, ever. It was your best friends ex girlfriend, and your ex girlfriends friend. You had flown to Maryland to visit her over the summer, and she had flown to see you in Pullman, I believed you so much Bryan. Your best friend warned me, I cried enough nights, but when we were together the earth stopped spinning and you were my everything. I didn't believe you would ever hurt me, and thought this girl was always just your best friend even if I wanted to doubt you so much.
- The last day I ever saw you, and the last time I will have ever seen you again was the Sunday after Christmas, I told you I was worried of her coming into town and told you, that after certain events of her being around and trying to sabotage us that he didn't have room to ruin it with her coming on new years eve, I can still see your face - you had a broken nose from a bar fight. That was some random thing I loved about you, your ridiculous ways of making the world spin. We laid on my bed like the first times we had realized we had a future, and I told you please don't mess this up, and I will see you soon. You left on the cold frigid Sunday night. I had work the next day as did you, not to mention I had spent so long waiting for you to graduate and be home with me, and you finally had.
- I stood at my job where I managed too many people for a barely 20 year old as I received several texts confirming the fact you had been cheating on me, she was with you. I woke up on the floor of Forever 21 in a tiny gay mans arms and was rushed to the hospital. I had passed out two or three times on the paramedics. When they say heartbreak they aren't kidding, on that hospital bed with iv's and hear monitors and my mom next to my side holding my hand all I could do was cry silently, I looked at her and asked if I would ever feel alive again. We drove home that night the 29th of December, and I rolled down my window as my mom drove and I began to throw stuff out my car my mother freaked out, I said in a silent voice, mom there are no cops these are mix cd's he always made for me, I can't listen to what we were together this is the process.
- After talking to his Ex Best friend, I found out he had been with her the whole time we were together, her and several other people. I didn't cry until three months later. I quit my job that I had worked my ass off at and had gone far at, and I fucked myself up in more than one way. It took me months to realize how deep he had dug into my heart and ripped the piece he had put inside me and taken it back.
- Our last actual phone conversation was him asking if it was really over and he kept saying sorry, I kept my voice calm, and said yes I could not be with him, even though I wanted to forgive him but knew he was not capable of being truthful. He moved to Maryland with Crystal the next weekend, for the past year they have lived together happily. We have not talked since. I hear things every few months about new dogs or houses they get, and honestly all I do is want to scream. I wish I could hate him, but if he truly loved her, and had a place in his heart for me, then I can't hate a person for going to what he wanted the most in his life.
... I just wonder, where everything went. I gave him my diary pages, and several gifts and tokens of my affection. Did he burn them or leave them in a closet ? I should hate him, but I hope he is happy with what he is living with now. His voice haunts me, but I got rid of him two days before the new years, and as this year has gone by I have replaced his memories with new ones, and the last ones were Christmas.
It doesn't hurt now, I just want to say to the person who said it takes a year to get over it, you are more than right, when you truly love a person there isn't a year mark for when the pain goes away, but you are about right.
...
Perhaps I will fall in love again.
* I met you when I was twelve years old, and you were my first actual crush. My brothers best friend, and my soul mate. My heart dropped when you entered the room, of course we had a ilegal age difference at the time you being almost sixteen and seeing me as a child, but I wrote about you in my diary every day for a long time in 2001 .. I always thought you were my crush. I moved to North Carolina for High school and came out okay looking, moved back at 18, and you had sadly moved four hours away for college.
* We talked routinely on the internet after finding you on Facebook at 18, there was no attraction to you at the time, I had a boyfriend in California, and you helped me deal with my long distance woes. You came to visit me at work one day shortly after my break up of a non serious boyfriend, and you seemed so geeky and uninteresting, I blew you off the first time we ever saw each other again as adults. You came home again three weeks later and something I dream upon happened, dream will come to me again a day again with some one else when I am a bit older with the right person. We spent three hours talking in my car in a parking lot about everything in the world. You came over, we did nothing. We laid next to each other and talked. . . We only talked. We went to the movies the next night before you had to go back to school, we held hands, I was 19 barely and I Think we both felt the strong pull we had on each other.
- You flew to see me every weekend, and flew me to see you until summer. After your trip to Europe you came home, we lived 2 miles apart and I had never loved anyone as much as I loved you. We camped, we fought, we cried, we ran we swam - your family fed me, we had family dinners and parties. Your sister took me under her wing and I laid on your couch every night last summer into fall and winter, we saw countless concerts, you held me back as I wanted to slap you for hurting me in random situations. You carried me when I got hurt, you became a part of my family as I did yours. We spent every minute together if not on the phone or texting. You were an asshole sometimes, you noticed before I did if I gained five pounds and would some how find it and grab it and make me hate myself, but as much of a guy trait that was you would tell me how beautiful I was, and I would go workout and you would tell me to eat more. The trips to Pullman were amazing, your friends always loved me, the frat parties made us both laugh at how stupid they were. You were trouble, and I was your assistant. The random strings of weddings we went too, so many. I don't have any of those photos because I need you to not exist. Thanksgiving with both of our families, and our last memory was the third week in December. We spent Christmas together, I crashed my car in your neighbors front yard due to the snow you laughed, I hated you. I spent my whole paycheck on a painting for your present, not because I believe in amazing gifts but because I had never seen anything so beautiful for you. You didn't get me a gift, it was okay.
... Your best friend Crystal was coming to Seattle to visit for New Years Eve from Maryland, which never made sense to me, ever. It was your best friends ex girlfriend, and your ex girlfriends friend. You had flown to Maryland to visit her over the summer, and she had flown to see you in Pullman, I believed you so much Bryan. Your best friend warned me, I cried enough nights, but when we were together the earth stopped spinning and you were my everything. I didn't believe you would ever hurt me, and thought this girl was always just your best friend even if I wanted to doubt you so much.
- The last day I ever saw you, and the last time I will have ever seen you again was the Sunday after Christmas, I told you I was worried of her coming into town and told you, that after certain events of her being around and trying to sabotage us that he didn't have room to ruin it with her coming on new years eve, I can still see your face - you had a broken nose from a bar fight. That was some random thing I loved about you, your ridiculous ways of making the world spin. We laid on my bed like the first times we had realized we had a future, and I told you please don't mess this up, and I will see you soon. You left on the cold frigid Sunday night. I had work the next day as did you, not to mention I had spent so long waiting for you to graduate and be home with me, and you finally had.
- I stood at my job where I managed too many people for a barely 20 year old as I received several texts confirming the fact you had been cheating on me, she was with you. I woke up on the floor of Forever 21 in a tiny gay mans arms and was rushed to the hospital. I had passed out two or three times on the paramedics. When they say heartbreak they aren't kidding, on that hospital bed with iv's and hear monitors and my mom next to my side holding my hand all I could do was cry silently, I looked at her and asked if I would ever feel alive again. We drove home that night the 29th of December, and I rolled down my window as my mom drove and I began to throw stuff out my car my mother freaked out, I said in a silent voice, mom there are no cops these are mix cd's he always made for me, I can't listen to what we were together this is the process.
- After talking to his Ex Best friend, I found out he had been with her the whole time we were together, her and several other people. I didn't cry until three months later. I quit my job that I had worked my ass off at and had gone far at, and I fucked myself up in more than one way. It took me months to realize how deep he had dug into my heart and ripped the piece he had put inside me and taken it back.
- Our last actual phone conversation was him asking if it was really over and he kept saying sorry, I kept my voice calm, and said yes I could not be with him, even though I wanted to forgive him but knew he was not capable of being truthful. He moved to Maryland with Crystal the next weekend, for the past year they have lived together happily. We have not talked since. I hear things every few months about new dogs or houses they get, and honestly all I do is want to scream. I wish I could hate him, but if he truly loved her, and had a place in his heart for me, then I can't hate a person for going to what he wanted the most in his life.
... I just wonder, where everything went. I gave him my diary pages, and several gifts and tokens of my affection. Did he burn them or leave them in a closet ? I should hate him, but I hope he is happy with what he is living with now. His voice haunts me, but I got rid of him two days before the new years, and as this year has gone by I have replaced his memories with new ones, and the last ones were Christmas.
It doesn't hurt now, I just want to say to the person who said it takes a year to get over it, you are more than right, when you truly love a person there isn't a year mark for when the pain goes away, but you are about right.
...
Perhaps I will fall in love again.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I won't back down. Because I know whats right.
You can stand me up at the gates of hell - and I won't back down.
I keep this world from dragging me down, I stand my ground.
I keep this world from dragging me down, I stand my ground.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
