Growing up

I am so stable compared to well the past six years, if you haven't heard by now being a teenager and growing up is a bitch. I am finally past the awkward stage of knowing right from wrong, (not all of the time) and have made several changes in my life, to survive. I will be 21 in a month, which scares the hell out of most people I know, but I don't see it any differently than I see 20 or 19, a bar here or a bar there, I have already gotten the chances to be snuck into nice clubs and bars underage, and never found the complete appeal. This being said, my point really is, no matter the age of a person, we always predispose what age we should be doing certain things by, and honestly this all seems like complete bullshit. When your 18 you should be finding a four year university to attend and move out of your parents homes, 22 you should be graduating and finding some one to be in a steady relationship with, at 25 you should really think about marriage and hope you and your husbands incomes will be enough to help the baby on its way.

Modern day society usually puts this strain on us to believe we should follow the yellow brick road and not to step on the cracks. I on the other hand am a complete opposite story with too many stories too add. My life is none the less hectic and confusing, as is my family. I get upset when some one thinks its okay to judge me for where I stand in my career, in my lack of going to college though ive gone before but honestly couldn't handle it at the time, but it is just sad when people are so brain washed they think they are bad people for not following the line of life.

I fly back to Florida tomorrow to my car, my belonging's .. my new home. Being in Seattle for almost two weeks and with my mom was such an amazing thing, I never thought it would bring tears to my eyes to think how much I have grown up, I always dispised my family on a subconcious level that led me to be hurtful with my words and actions, but now that I am living so far away it is like a privlage to see my mom, my brother and my good friends. I might have moved out to my own apartment at 20 which is way beyond the age of " when I should have " then to Florida, but no one will ever see the four walls I had to stare at as I watched the things I loved vanish into thin air and I stayed to make sure everyone else kept in place and no one left me, I was always so afraid of them being so hurt by my fathers actions it seemed like I could never leave home.

This is my home I am sitting in, even if my mom got a new place with her new husband while I was gone.. this is it. I have been waiting so long to feel " at home ". My dad always had so much money for us, and so many nice things to throw our way, but it never felt complete. I may never love my dad in the way I should or a love that is pure and willingly, but he could never give me the comfort that my mother or brother give me by just there presence. On that note, what gave me the inspiration to write on my online diary that some one might read at one point, it was my mothers words today that hit me hard.

" Pam we all got on the same boat when your dad left us that sunk, you are the youngest but you swam up the fastest and crawled your way out before any of us did, you set it all off for us to be okay with being away from each other, we were too afraid before to let that go. But you got your own place, and even when the place you got turned out to be shitty you left it and found a different home on your own and I always look at you and wonder where all your strenght comes from. You make me really proud, the moment you left home I finally felt okay to move with Sam (husband), and your brother finally left on his own too, like we all needed to, but we all sunk you just had enough courage to get yourself up first and I admire you for that. "


That is why home is in my mothers arms, because she will say something that will bring an unselfish tear to my eye.

Confused but Okay

My life is nothing less then dramatic. I am in transit - all of the time. I am away from florida now - although my car and some belongings are there waiting for me to rescue as soon as I get enough time. I am on my way to Seattle soon - in a day to see my mom for a week and a half, then its all really up to me where I go from there. I am laying in San Diego down town condo staring into the buildings that are simply beautiful, but I am finding it hard to find any beauty when I have never felt so alone in this world than I do now. Being on the go is a good thing, sometimes. - But I feel as if I ran, in extreme motions with new jobs and such. I ran after a boy punched me and I lost all real safety in my city and safety in myself as too what emotional damage he did to me.

I do not want to live in Florida - it is a very unhealthy place for me to be, not only do I despise the south, but I can do my job from anywhere else and not be under some ones rules that involve me getting yelled at for a 9 pm curfew at almost 21.

Seattle is not my home now, my family has scattered and it will always rain.

My job - jobs, pay well, and I can do them from any state, so here i go and be an adult and find where I should be to be happy ... perhaps alone, but what this be considered ?...

I fly to foreign states on my own, fight battles on my own.. I am a loner

But I do a damn good job

Love you bloggers if anyone reads this